"What can I get you?"

"What do you need?" and "What can I get you?" are pretty common phrases around here. Each time J asks me, I try hard not to think, "I want my baby back... I want the life we had planned."

5 days ago we were just going for an appointment, now we are here. Different.Broken.sad.

I need to offer thanks to Becca and Bitty for their comment love. It means more to me then you can know that you commented. Thank you SO much.

The weekend came and went bringing homemade cookies from Joe's very pregnant sister. They are beyond yummy to a person who cannot really find anything that has a taste right now. Joe and I took over an hour yesterday trying to think of what to have for dinner because "nothing tastes good." Yet these cookies do. Maybe it's because I feel like she filled them hope for us and it fills me up. Does that even make sense?

Sat night was supposed to be a joint b-day party for myself and a friend Kelly. With both kids sick and me not doing well physically, we were planning not to stop but we did. It was hard and awkward, but we only stayed for maybe 20 min and it was nice to get out. Jack and Luke entertained the group and they made me feel a little better.

Sunday we went to church and I cried for the first 20 min of the service. I think Luke knew I was having a hard time (as only 14 month olds can know) and started to act up. I happily took him to the cry room and was able to refocus my sadness. We came home to my close HS girlfriends bringing over coffee and bagels and just love that only they can bring. We sat, I talked and they listened and it was nice. After I was so exhausted that I napped.

Joe has really stepped up these last 2 days. He mentioned to me that this is his first really close loss in his life. He's lost grandparents, but he was fairly young and not super close to them. He is really dealing well. He's just trying to focus on life and I need to get on the boat so.to.speak and do the same.

I have today off. If it gives you any inclination of how "off" I am, I slept soundly last night and yet I fell asleep again this morning and slept for over 2 hours without missing a beat. I guess I need it right? Physically I'm still feeling crappy and emotionally... well that's going to take longer I suppose.

I know SO many people who are pregnant right now and I was worried that I would resent the fact that I am not, but I simply don't. I'm excited for them and hopeful for them and prayerful that each life comes out healthy and safe for them. I worry that they will treat me differently and pray that this doesn't happen.

I'm kinda random right now.... sorry.

The kids seem to help daily. Last night Jack was at my mom's house and came home to tell us that "we are a family, me, Daddy, Baby Luke & Mommy." We are a family. Yes Jack, we are. No matter what.

I thank God for this little family. I pray to God that someday, once more, we can expand our little family, again.