Embracing my inner cheese

This morning I'm at work and listening to my beloved ipod (one of the best gifts ever from Joe) and along comes the song, "Find your wings". If you have never heard this song, look it up on a site like lyrics.com. It's the best song about being a parent. It's like someone looked into my heart and picked the folder entitled "my kiddos"and read it word fro word. The song also makes me think of someone in my life who was like my parent only better. She was my beloved Grandma Jo. (GJ)
let me tell you a ounce about GJ because on ounce might give you a glimpse of who she was but it' by no means even begins to attain a glimpse of the magnitude of who she was to me and how wonderful and amazing of a life she lived. She is one of those rare people who made the world beyond special just be existing and I miss her from the depths of my heart to the darkest place I only allow myself to go. More then anything I miss hearing her laugh or make a small smile. I miss he sassiness and her wit too. GJ was born here in MN (I think... crap... no I'm not sure) she had 4 kiddos... one of which died at birth. The middle child (and still is to this day most times) was my Momma. Another amazing lady but I'll come back to that some other time. GJ was married for a ton of years (ton means... not sure how many but a lot indeed) and she found herself divorced after learning that Gpa was cheating. She never married again and as far as I know never dated. Once of the amazing things is that she was divorced in 1977 and died in 2002 and she never complained about being alone. NEVER. Yet I know I would hate it terribly. I'm not strong like her though. Moreover then this fact is that when Gpa became ill with Alzheimer's in the later years, she would go to the nursing home and feed him when he didn't know where he was or what was happening. It brought tears to my eyes to see this. She had deep faith and a wonderful disposition and this Wednesday will be 7 years to the day she died... it makes me cry just thinking about it. She was amazing and I only wish she was here to see my kiddos. She would love them and they would love her. She's a blessing in my life and is missed more then I could say.

I think this is the reason for my mild sadness today. I find that I am consistently looking at the calendar and seeing "the date" approaching and wondering if I am yet "over it" I know that Joe once remarked in a joking manner to "get over it" and although he meant to harm, this has stuck with me and makes me feel as thought I'm holding on to something that clouds my heart. (again... trouble letting go) I guess I just feel that by letting it go, I am letting her go and I couldn't do that... or could I?
Either way, I dedicate this cheesy blog to GJ. I miss you Gram, your house, your card cheating ways, your smile and your wrinkly dry feet. i miss your quick wit and conviction on faith and life. I miss your Gram-isms and the way you called me "Aim" I would call that number and here "Oh HI Aim" I look forward to the time when hopefully I'm sporting wrinkly dry feet and have lived a long and good life, to the time when I go home and you are there to say "oh hi Aim, I've been waiting for you and for another game of cards." One thing I will promise you now Gram, I'm letting go of the last time we spoke by telling you that I have tortured myself for these last 7 years thinking about how I didn't turn you in your bed and the pain you were in.... as I type the anger is fresh at the memory, I am letting it go. I love you very much and miss you more today then 7 years ago.
~AC