Blue....

I have tried to blog a few times lately and have gone to start then ended up not typing anything. I can say that I've been feeling kinda blue lately. I know that there are a few factors contributing to this feeling.

For one, I stopped nursing. Luke started to refuse to take the breast and it really made me feel bad. Our supply of frozen ran out and I failed to hit my goal of nursing him for a year. That said I made it almost 10 months which I know (and have been told) is wonderful... I just feel bad. I could have continued to pump but at that point was feeling like it wasn't what I wanted to do since Luke wouldn't eat with me. I remember when I stopped with Jack I kinda of went into this depression. I thought it was because unlike Luke's self weaning, I stopped with Jack because I thought I was done. I realized about 2 weeks later that I missed it terribly and was very sad about it. When I stopped with Luke, I didn't think I would feel so bummed out. I was wrong.

The second thing is that I work 2 part time jobs which have kind of equalled a full time job lately. If not more then one. I am not at all saying that those moms who work full time don't have it hard, but keeping up with the schedule I have had for the last 2 months has been back breaking (literally and figuratively) I am teaching 17 swim classes per week and have been since Sept. 5th. It's just way too much. I am tired and spent all the time.

Lastly.... I am not at ALL the weight I want to be. Not even close... more like 70 lbs from where I would LOVE to be and 50 from where I would be happy with and 30 from just feeling decent about being naked near a mirror. I KNOW that all of the above (other then the self weaning by Luke) are things I can change.... I know this. I just am not motivated to do so. I have decided to become motivated. I'm hoping by stating it here, I will hold myself more accountable. We got together with the girls last week and I saw my friend Dona looking amazing and thought "wow, what is my problem" I know that it's all in motivation. I have been tired, sad and lazy a lot lately. I'm hoping to make a change for the better. The only thing that gives me joy right now is my hubby and sons. I need to feel happy for me and be happy with me.

I'm hoping to make this change... I know I can do it. I just need to try. I even thought that I could post a photo here of the before and after... I'm not so sure about that now.

~wish me luck.... I'm going to need it.