give when you have no reserves.....

Today began like most Sunday's often do. We got up and kinda of hurried through a snacky breakfast to make it to 8:30 mass on time. I'm grateful we did because the homily was about my son Jack. Fr. Bill was talking about how Jesus asks us to not only give what we have in reserve, but give when we don't feel that we want to. He mentions then about a little boy who came and brought food from his birthday party to feed other hungry kids. That was my little boy he was talking about. I beamed with pride.

After church we ate a "real" breakfast and I told the kids we could go to the park. I should state here that I still had my nephew Joey and the boys were beginning to allow the new and fun-ness of being together wear off and now they were just instigating one another. I warned them several times to play nice and listen and they ignored me just as many. Finally, I had a break down. I lost all the patience I had in reserves and just packed all of us up in the car and took them home. Jack cried the whole way and I followed through on my warning of straight to bed for a nap if he didn't stop acting naughty. ( I knew he needed one because he was up WAY too late the night before so I knew that was part of the acting out). We came home and just as I was getting them out of the car, Joe called from up north. I can tell you now with sincere regret and sadness that I unloaded my anger/frustration/sadness/lack of sleep and just general horrible actions onto him. I said things I now regret and after talking to my friend Dona, having some tears and feeling like a complete jerk, I have apologized.

I'm angry with myself because wasn't I just sitting there in church beaming that my little boy was giving to those in need. Giving them food we like and could have used for ourselves.... yet here I was, full well knowing that the kids were over tired and just plain kids, full well knowing as Dona so smartly put it that "Joe works hard the other 355 days of the year and deserves to go and get away". Yet I was selfish and jaded and angry.

All I needed to do was stop, ask God for an extention of my reserves and gain perspective that this isn't that big of a deal and I can handle it. I needed to give the goodness even though I had none in reserves.... lesson learned.. big time.