All I have is pity

**I feel the need to state for the record that most of this blog is TMI and most would choose to keep it to themselves. That is not who I am.

I received an email today.

This email was meant (I believe) to provoke me into anger.

I mentioned at least once that I have 2 brothers. They are my half brothers. We share the same father and beyond that (I feel) not much else. One of them emailed me.

I used to admire these men, one is even my son's godfather. Sadly now all I have is pity.

They have their reasons and I have mine. There was an argument almost 2 years ago. They formed opinions about things they know nothing about. Suffice to say we are very different people.

I'm sad for one person in this whole thing. Our father. He is truly the only one hurting. They are the ones hurting him. I don't mean to point the finger like I had no part in this. If I'm being honest, I could let it all go and act they way they deem I should, and make nice. I cannot though. Not for my dad, or them.

I know it hurts my dad and I'm sorry for that. I cannot fathom how I would feel if my children didn't speak. In this case (as my dad does) I would respect their decision though.

I'm also sad for the person that they believe I am, and Joe is. Because, sadly, we are very opposite those people. I refuse to waste time trying to prove who I am to anyone.

The sadness I feel though (again honestly here) is very few and far between. All I have for them is pity. I pity what they are doing to our father. I pity what they are missing in knowing my children and for us knowing theirs. I pity for the "family" they choose not to be a part of.

I am thankful for the husband I have though. I would probably continue to allow them to beat me up if he hadn't said ENOUGH. He will have none of it. As he stated, "They are both poison, We are done allowing that poison in our lives and the kids lives." Joe's really good at that. He's good at looking at anyone and seeing who they really are. In his words, "You start out with a chance from me and if you blow it, I'm done!" He's also fiercely protective of me and our little family. For him, I am grateful.

I do wish that someday, for dad's sake, we can get the (grand)children together and take a photo. We tried the time that everything exploded. The boys refused, in an effort to hurt me and sadly, it hurt my father. I don't care if we don't speak at all, just take that picture for him.

I can tell you that the first draft of this included more shots at them and less reflection. I feel that while I'm being true to myself about the way that I feel, by stating the last sentance, I am not pretending that I'm an un-sarcastic person. I came up with a few very funny things to say and decided that my sons will read this someday, so I want to do right by them.

Jack and Luke, should you ever go through a period where your words and actions seriously hurt the other, please remember that once upon a time you loved each other. Once upon a time you chased each other around the "circle" or our home and playfully wrestled. Once upon a time, Jack sang to you Luke, to make you happy and came running to me when you were sad.

I think that some adults lose the respect and love for each other in some cases and some look at others and judge. Boys, I hope I teach you not to judge people and to form opinions based on who the truly are and what works for their lives, not what YOU think they should be.

I love you both and pray that you never go through this. I also pray for my father. Daddy, if you ever read this. I meant every word I said on the phone today, "Go, have a blast with your sons, and their kids. Go to Thanksgiving and every holiday with them, if that works for you. I love you and am lucky to have you as much as I do. Just be Happy Dad. Because I am happy and I love you. Nothing and no-one can change that. Love, ~A"