Today began like any other. Joe left and the boys and I had some fun at home. I felt pretty happy because I had gotten the dishes done and the laundry was moving, all while making a game of things with the boys.
We went to the doctor for our 1st appt. with our OB. (We had already had a pregnancy confirm weeks ago)
We saw our OB, gave her our list of questions/concerns and then she went on to do her phyisical exam.
Then came the Fun part of the appt. Hearing the baby's heartbeat. I am just 10 weeks so sometimes it's hard to hear. However, with both Jack and Luke, we were able to hear it.
She looked and tried unsuccessfully to find it. No big deal right? She saw my face and said she'd be fine with doing an ultrasound. I felt sheepish but I knew that I would feel better if we did.
We had one done the "regular" way. They had a hard time because they figured "my bladder wasn't full enough". Then they did a vaginal ultrasound, that showed "no signs of life"
I woke up today, planning the next 7 months with a babe in my arms and on my breast. Now I'm left with an empty feeling to match my no signs of life womb.
I know that "time heals all" and "this too shall pass" but like Becca says the thing I need most might be some my husband, soft kleenix, and some crappy food with some girlie movies.
Then again, I just want to go to bed and not leave. The only time Joe or I have ever smiled since we learned the news was when we have seen Jack or Luke smile or just be happy in the room.
I also know many women go through this, I know I'm not alone, I just feel that way. There is guilt because I was so surprised about this pregnancy and I worried about all that would happen.
I feel lost, very very lost.
Please send up prayers for us.
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1 comments:
Just seeing this now. I know exactly how you are feeling. Truly. My appointments went very similarly, expecting to hear a heartbeat and then hearing nothing. I have been through this twice, and it is the suckiest thing ever. It is hard to explain...I told my husband that I had all these dreams for this little person that I was going to have...and now all those dreams are gone. And yes, you can have another, but you lost one. And that loss is very very sad.
I can remember sitting in the OB office sometime later, filling out a form, and it asking how many pregnancies...how many live births. And it was the first time those two numbers didn't match. Stuff like that will happen from time to time.
For me, it has been a few years, and even though I am past the really sad part, I still wonder what happened, what went wrong, why why why? I guess that doesn't really go away. But I feel blessed that I went on to have two more children that I adore. And perhaps that is why.
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