I woke up today and felt just fine. I was dressed for work and headed out for the day. Nothing particular in my head. Typical Monday.
On the way, my mind began to wonder.
To the new opportunity I've been offered at work and how it will effect my summer.
To the ever constant "to do list" in my head.
To the evenings dinner ideas/plans.
To working out and how I'm feeling the need to do so.
An hour or so later at my desk, I just felt off. This sadness came over me. I couldn't figure it out. Was it all the rain we had this weekend? Or was I just that busy and didn't sleep well last night? I logged into my computer and was working just fine, thankyouverymuch, yet, something is there.
Part of my job is to stamp the date and a code on checks. I have been doing this today, multiple times, and for over an hour, when I looked up at the calendar and realized the actual date.
"Maybe that's why" I thought.
2 months ago today, we lost our little baby girl. 1 month ago today, I was hospitalized for the pancreatic attack.
And I'm Sad.
Why?
Why am I still sad?
Life, for our home, seems back to normal in most ways. Or at least it feels that way. Until days like today when......
Out of the blue, the sadness comes still.
Out of the blue the fear of the unknown answers as to why the attack.
I know this is all part of the healing process, regarding both of these things. BUT I'm ready for the feeling to be over? gone? not so hard? Maybe I just want it to not creep up on me like it has done every few days for what seems like so long.
I have been fairly good at embracing it, but some days I'm defeated. Today just happens to be one.
Tomorrow, I hope, will be better.
More then this, I hope that the 26th will not be such a crazy day.
*I started this post earlier in the day, but just couldn't finish it. If it doesn't seem to flow, it's cause I'm kinda all over the place.
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3 comments:
No worries friend, I've been there. I wish I could tell you that it will go away or at the very least not sneak up on you but the trueth is I can't, it is not something you can "get over" it is something that untimely you will just learn to ecept. I would love to tell you friend that all will get better and the hurt will stop but it doesn't. Know this as you friend I am sitting here bawling as I read this crying for you for me and fir our lost babies, and as I do Logan comes up and gives me hug and says don't cry mommy you are the best mommy ever and I felt skittles bit better. So friend all I can tell you is I love you friend and you are the best friend and mommy ever, and hope that you know it's true and it brings you alittle peace.
Sorry fir the strange inserted words and misspells phone typing again.
I am so SO sorry for your pain and loss. I hope tomorrow is better for you too, even just a little bit.
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