I confess

I confess that this post will probably not be uplifting. sorry.

I confess that if you are going to read it and judge me, move on to something else. I don't need that right now.

I confess that I'm depressed and not sure if it's at the level of "go see the doctor and get some Prozac" or not. However, I hate medication and am holding out hope to get over this myself.

I confess that I'm avoiding returning phone calls to those with whom who I'm closest. I will "hide" behind a text message here or there, or a facebook message, but even those seem hard to deal with lately.

I confess that 8 years ago today my grandma died. Moreover then that, I am still painfully sad about it and probably should have moved on by now.

I confess that I cannot eat more then a piece of toast here or a graham cracker there before I begin to feel like there is a rock in my stomach and this scares me.

I confess that the last confession makes me irritable, low on energy, and horrible to be around. I loved to eat before all this.

I confess that Joe's a saint and I feel like he's got our whole world on his shoulders right now with 3 crying babies pulling on him in every direction. Sadly, the other 2 are under 4 and have reasons.

I confess that I said a horrible 4 letter word when we got home from the hospital because they are denying Joe coverage of me over a stupid reason. Although we can get it fixed, my 3 yr old repeated that word (clear as a bell) to me today when telling me that "the Easter Bunny won't be bringing me a basket because I said &^%$."......that was wonderful.

I confess that I was attempting to make it a good day and playing with Jack when he attempted to climb the wall mounted gate at the top of our stairs and fell off and down them as I screamed and tried to get to him in horror. He's fine. My nerves are shot.

I confess that it's 75 degrees outside and I need to get out there and get over this b*llsh*t that I'm letting take over me.

I confess that my mother in law stopped by to check on me and I was able to hold it together for her as well as when my sister in law called. I felt nice to feel normal because I haven't felt that way for more then an hour here or there in days.

I confess that I have a world of family and friends offering to help and I keep telling them I'm fine because I have no clue how they can help me.

I confess that the kids and I danced today in the house and it felt great.

I confess that I'm bawling like a baby right now.

I confess that I want to get better, I really do.

I confess that I'm finding it really hard.

I confess that I was told today about another dear friend who was due days after me has lost her baby. So sad.

I confess that a friend of mine visited me in the hospital, she's lost 50 or more lbs and looks amazing and seeing her makes me so happy for her and so mad at myself inside because I could be there but I won't help myself.

I confess that I'm already sick of myself so if you're still reading this, I'm sure you're sick to death of me and over it too. Don't worry, I don't blame you.

I confess that I'm going to keep trying to feel better and not focus on the last 2 months.

I confess that I'm scared to know why I don't feel tons better.

And Finally,

I confess that I'm praying by putting this all out there, it will remove the load from my chest and make it easier to take more steps forward.

Please understand, I'm working on this whole thing. This is MY blog and if you are reading it, thanks. If you are reading it rolling your eyes, please spare my feelings. Lastly, this is my place to vent. Things aren't always awful and I do find joy in my day. I may not always translate it here. Life has ups and downs, I'm just stuck in the valley and hoping to push myself out.